My ex-wife abandoned our kids when she took up with the teacher who taught music in the room next to hers at an elementary school in CA. Shortly thereafter, She signed a legal document giving me physical custody of the children, including giving me permission to take our kids out-of-state to make a new life for ourselves in Boulder, CO. I guess she was more interested in her new romance than the kids, but I didn't mind. I bought a car carrier to hold extra stuff and a bike carrier for the back of the car and loaded my three children into the Durango and headed northeast.
I admit I was a bit scared as a single father with three kids under the age of 13 to care for on my own in a new place. I remember the night the car broke down in the Utah desert while we were headed to Colorado, not a sole in sight, no lights, no cell service, no roadside phone, no hope of help... I remember standing on the side of the road looking out into the vast desert with my three little children feeling isolated and fearful for their safety, questioning my decision to take them to a new place. Luckily, a car came by and made a call, and we were saved that night, although I will never forget that moment of despair in the desert.
When we arrived in Boulder, we lived at a hotel for the first month as I went about the task of enrolling the kids in schools, and finding us a place to live. I used a rental agency that caters to college students and found a wonderful little bungalow, built in 1948, just below the Flatirons and the Chautauqua Park. Other than it was very small and only had one bathroom, It was ideal. I bought the kids antique waterfall beds and dressers at the antique market in Longmont for their rooms. I bought mattresses and dishes. I made us a new home.
Since school had already started in Boulder, I moved quickly in order to get the kids settled and on-track. I bought them new backpacks and showed the kids their routes to school from our house. The boys had to ride their bikes to the Manhattan Middle School using the great bike paths in Boulder, but my daughter, Chase, was able to walk from our house to the Flatirons Elementary School, which was just down the hill from where we lived. She was in third grade at the time. On her first day of school I walked her down to Flatirons elementary under the great leafy green oaks and elms lining our streets. We held hands. On this morning I remember that she held my hand very tightly, but her hair was brushed and she looked cute in her new school outfit.
When we got to the school, my daughter let go of my hand and walked towards her classroom through the gate. I stood there, just outside the gate, just in case. She looked back once and waived, but never faltered in her direction. She kept walking towards the entrance of the classroom, confident, her blonde hair bouncing as she walked.
I figured she was ok, so after I saw her disappear in her classroom, I turned and started walking up the hill back towards our house. It was a sad and happy moment, like tasting salt and sugar together.
When you walk up hill, your strides get longer, and I was tilting up the sidewalk at an angle when I heard the fence rattle beside me. Looking left I saw my daughter's hands clutching the corrugated fence. I was surprised. I asked my girl if everything was alright. She said she was alright, and that she would miss me...she paused for a moment and then ran off back towards the school. I waited a moment, watching her run amongst the other children, and then I turned and resumed walking.
About twenty paces later, Chase ran up to me and grasped the fence again, surprising me. She said she was scared. I intertwined my hands and fingers over hers through the fence and told her that everything would be alright. I told her she would have fun and make new friends. I told her that going to school was going to be a great adventure. She teared up a little and said, "Ok...," and then she ran off again, back down across the soft, green meadow towards the school.
As I rounded the corner of the school property, Chase ran back up to me once again. She asked me if I would be there to walk her home when school was over. She said, "I love you, Daddy." I told her I loved her too, and that I would stay right here where I was until school was over, and then she ran off for the last time across the playing field and disappeared into Mr. Godby's fourth-grade classroom. Since I knew the classroom door was open, I sat down where I was at the top of the hill so Chase could see me if she peaked out of the classroom.
She doesn't know this, but I sat there for the rest of the day until the bell rang at three o'clock, but Chase never looked for me again that day. I watched as she played amongst the other children running and swirling in circles of happy youth. She had let go a little, as we all have to from time to time in order to move forward and grow, but the memory of her first day at school under the Rockies is profound, and my love for her is eternal and cannot break under the limbs of any winter.
To all those new mothers and fathers who will let go of their children this week, I know it will be as hard for you as it was for me to leave your children in a strange place and walk away, but it will be alright, and you can sit outside for as long as you need to in order to come to terms with seasons that change, whether we are ready for them to change, or not-